The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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