My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
