We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
