Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
