What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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