final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm having to shit out rocks
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