I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
