I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
