I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
