I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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