I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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