I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
