On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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