maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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