I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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