I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
