Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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