I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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