I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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