god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
