Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize