i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
