I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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