Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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