His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I supernannyed him into submission
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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