white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
