I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
the raccoons are back...
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