tonight lets celebrate not being married
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
