how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
