I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
