so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
