we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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