I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
