how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life