don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good