why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
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We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.