Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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