Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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