Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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