for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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