Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
