I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
