The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
