Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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