Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
