I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
