Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
