surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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