they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
