How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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