i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
