I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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