i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
