He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
