I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
