her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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