1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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